How hard do we work to give the greatest gifts?
I’m not asking this question because it is relevant to the Holiday Season. Many other writers have covered the subject, ranging from frenzied attempts of parents to buy the year’s hot toy (this year it is some electronic fuzzy rodent named a zuzu pet), to the perennial, painstaking calculus that goes into determining how much one should spend on a given person, to the discouragement facing those who have lost their jobs over the past year or more (or who fear losing the ones they have in the year to come). I myself have already covered the subject of the freedom that each of us have in shaping the Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or other holidays we celebrate in an earlier blog, "Thoughts for the Holiday Season." http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=232690122&blogId=326110121.
For the most part, the gifts that we give are material in nature, requiring an outlay of money in some form. Now, before someone jumps the gun and accuses me of being an anti-business, anti-economic growth radical, let me and the ton of books, CDs, clothes, knickknacks, wall-hangings, stuffed cats (and a real one), costume jewelry, and God knows what else I have crammed into a 12 X 12 bedroom reassure you that the Retail Industry and I are on intimate and continuing good terms. I would argue, however, that such gifts, no matter how expensive, rare, and desired, are in fact much easier for the giver to bestow than the greatest gifts we can give; and it is those gifts that bring true comfort, happiness, and peace.
It is far easier to part with the change in our pockets than it is to change our attitudes, actions, and priorities. Opening our wallets is much less threatening than opening our ears, minds, and hearts. Exerting self-control over budget-breaking spending requires less discipline than resisting the urge to gift that fruitcake of unasked-for advice or fix-‘em up handyman’s work. It is true, too, that the occasions for the giving of these presents isn’t tied to a calendar and cannot be planned for; they require a conscientious daily effort, the commitment, and the courage to give them, even when the recipient doesn’t recognize their worth, even when he or she fails to gift in kind.
The occasion for this rumination on my part came from an incident that happened recently. I will not go into the details here, but it has been an extremely difficult year for my Father and me, one full of losses. One of those sad events was the death of my step-mother, a talented, courageous, and determined woman. This will be our first Christmas without her. I’d been doing fairly well, taking care of Dad and doing every healthy activity I could think of to cope with my own grief.
On this particular day, however, the sorrow broke through. Perhaps it was the gray sky and the damp, dreary rain, or just the weariness of the battle going on in my heart and soul, but I couldn’t shake the sadness. A beautiful church service, full of Christmas and Hanukkah music washed over me but could not find a way inside. At home, I sat in my chair, wrote, listened to Gregorian chant music, but still I could find no relief.
I went to my favorite coffee shop to try to write, or perhaps to read a bit. I just felt empty. What I really needed was someone to talk to, someone I trusted. Now, I am a private person, and there just aren’t that many people I’ll call up like this, but there are a couple of kind souls out there I feel comfortable reaching out to, and I called one of them. To be fair, this person is going through his own difficulties, and I understand that. I just wanted what so many of us want when we’re sad, troubled, frightened, or grieving: I just wanted someone I trusted, someone who knew me well enough to be concerned, to listen. I didn’t need to be fixed. I didn’t need all of my life’s problems to be solved. I just needed to be heard. In the time this kind person, one who I have no doubt would never deliberately hurt anyone, spent asking me about topics of less-immediate importance I could have voiced my concern, let it go, perhaps received some sympathy, encouragement, kindness. Instead, I got off the phone feeling sadder and more isolated than before.
I’m gaining some perspective on that incident now. I keep returning to one of my favorite quotations, one that appears in the header of this blog: “Be Kind: For Within Each of Us There is a Battle Being Waged.” I know a little of what that friend is going through, but none of us knows what lies in the heart of any other person’s soul. The other 9/10ths is beyond my view. This time he’s putting his own mask on first; then, at some other time he may be there for me, the way I have tried to be there for him and other of my friends.
When I think about 2010, what I’d like to accomplish, and what I’d like to have, I think that number one would be to be a better friend, and, just maybe, to have a few people in my life who are willing to be open-hearted and truly accepting of me, glad days, sad days, bipolar mood swings, and all. I’d be willing to offer quid pro quo on that. I think that most of us would, particularly during these times of economic insecurity. Around me I see worried, desperate, and discouraged faces, each surrounded by an aura of stress. How much more bearable would these times be if we each tried, at least once a day, to give that greatest gift. Yes, I’ve had days here recently where it would have been easier for me to lift up the Chrysler Building and sweep under it than to manage a smile (today was one of them), but I know I could do it (I’ve worked Retail, after all).
With effort, I’m sure we all could.
